Why Are Relationships So Hard?

It seems like achieving and attaining a connection with someone is harder than ever!

My parents were married for over 60 years and had 3 children and 1 grandchild. They loved each other but I don't think they were “in love.” But at the very least they were friends so there wasn't any chaos and drama between them. They had the traditional gender roles within the marriage and knew their responsibilities. They definitely related to each other but I don't think they really thought about their marriage as a separate entity from themselves. They went to couples' counseling a few times – or rather my mother dragged my father – but I can't say for sure they actually reflected on HOW they related to each other and how their childhoods affected the way they communicated, reacted to problems and issues, and their attitudes towards relationships in general – like we do now.

These days we think A LOT about relationships – some people more so than others with their whole lives centered around finding and keeping a partner. Some people think more about the relationship rather than the person they're with – meaning the relationship is more important because it provides a form of external validation. Everyone has a different idea of what a relationship is and our birth charts will tell us what kind we need. Believe it or not, there are lots of people on this planet who are not capable of commitment or want a traditional partnership. I fall into both categories where I spent the majority of my younger years paying back karmic debt that was owed from past lives and the thought of a traditional relationship makes we want to gag. People tune into social media and podcasts for relationship advice. Some still read books on how to make their marriage better. But with all of this thought and reflection, why DO relationships suck? Why is the divorce rate so high? Why do people stay in toxic connections when they know they should leave?

Part of the reason is people don't work on their relationships. Or one person is doing it all hoping that the other person will fall in line. Marriage and relationships require a joint effort but I have seen far too many women trying to save a sinking ship while men think their partner is the problem and she's the one who needs to go to therapy. One of my astrology books said that working on a relationship is like working on a car. A car basically stays the same except for the occasional oil change and tune up – sometimes a major repair is needed – but at the end of the day, it's still a car. It doesn't change form. A relationship is more like an activity – such as driving – where we always need to make adjustments even when on a straight road.

I tell my clients that relationships are a journey – not a goal – and I think that's another reason why things suffer in that department. Both people and relationships are a work-in-progress that are always growing and changing (at least that's the hope) and therefore relationships will do the same. And if people are growing and maturing, that means they can – and do – outgrow each other and that's when a breakup or divorce happens. There is often a lot of blame placed on one person but the partner who is likely getting dumped or being served the divorce papers is the loudest. But breakups are not the end of the world and endings are not a bad thing. All relationships are a growth experience so we need to get away from the idea that a breakup or divorce means “failure” and therefore “bad.” And yes, I know that there are people out there who have been through some traumatic breakups but holding on to that pain causes them to become stuck and stagnant. Healing work can help them look back and realize it was a moment when they became FREE. There are lots of people who think a breakup or divorce is the end of their lives while many others celebrate it as a new beginning.

The reason relationship endings are so hard is we humans are not wired for change. We want things to stay the same because we fear the unknown. Even when the change is good for us we still go kicking and screaming (especially Fixed signs) and this is why some people have an easier time with a breakup while others are on the floor in a fetal position.

I tell my life coach clients that when you view relationships as a journey, we can see that people grow and change so either the partnership they're in has to as well or it ends. And realistically, no relationship or marriage lasts forever as the fairytales say. Someone dies or the couple divorces. Sooner or later, we all leave whether we're the one who decides that or our partner chooses to go. If people are going in different directions and the relationship isn't built on a firm, solid foundation there is no reason to seek closure to figure out what went wrong or why things ended. It's just life.

A look at your natal chart will tell you if relationships will help you grow over multiple connections with people – as they did in my case with guys from many lifetimes – which meant that shorter relationships sped up my growth and evolution, while others only need one or two long-term connections to do the same. I encourage people to release the idea of searching for that one soulmate because everyone has different soulmates throughout their lifetime. I encourage women to release the fairytale mindset of Prince Charming coming along on his white horse to whisk us away from our dreadful lives to his castle in the sky where we'll live happily ever after. This may be an unpopular opinion but I think that mindset is a trauma response. We can all learn different lessons from different people at various times. The important thing is to release the idea that breakups are something to be viewed as unpleasant and that all relationships are a learning experience.

We need to understand that relationships have evolved due to outer planet transits. Back in my day, both my parents and grandparents got married at a very young age. I even had a few classmates who made things official right after high school, pledging to be together until death. For someone like me who has natal Venus and Juno Retrograde, that sounds like a death sentence lol. These days, more than half of marriages end in divorce, people are marrying much later in life, and some people don't get married at all. Yet in the face of this, many people feel that the end of a partnership means they failed. Therefore, our expectations and behaviors haven't evolved. But the outer planets have been trying – at least since I've been alive – to transform those outdated ideas about love, romance, relationships, and sex. But what I see in my readings is that many people – and I mean LOTS – are not willing to change.

The structure of relationships changed significantly since the 1960's with another considerable change taking place in the 1980's. Yet almost all of my clients are still searching for a husband – but just one – and when I tell them their chart indicates more than one marriage, the pearl-clutching begins. They don't like hearing that news even though most people marry more than once regardless of what their chart says. The reason ladies get so upset is because it means the person they want to marry or the person they're with now won't be a lifetime commitment.

I think if we take into account all of the above we will get a better understanding of why relationships are harder now. This isn’t to say our parents and grandparents had it easier because I don’t think they did. But once we understand that we have to roll with the changes, we can adjust or readjust our views on romance, relationships, and marriage in general.